Someone’s Trying To “Drive” Me Back To Prison!!

Oh dear Earth, the irony and absurdity of this is just too great for me to not share.

I was going through my old emails; I just got out of prison a couple months ago, where I spent the last two years.  Wanted to make sure I didn’t miss any important correspondences.  I came across this gem–which arrived in my inbox, unbeknownst to me of course, about seven months into my incarceration–from the El Monte RV company:

December 9, 2010

Dear Valued Customer,

It’s been a while since your last rental? Are you planning to rent this fall?  If so, I would enjoy the opportunity to hear from you and discuss your travel needs with you.

We work very hard to provide our clients with the finest customer service and pricing for their travel needs. If your budget or travel needs have changed, please contact me so I can give you a quote and see if there is anything we can do to provide you with any discounts or specials.

See, I committed my crime with the help of an El Monte RV rental.  The marijuana was stored in vacuum-sealed bags in cardboard boxes in the bathroom.  After I was arrested the vehicle was impounded.  I had to pay TWO DOLLARS a mile for a company employee to drive the vehicle from western Illinois out to its intended destination–eastern New Jersey.  That came to approximately 900 miles, or $1800.  Valued Customer, indeed.

They also neglected to return–even though I pre-paid an exorbitant amount for shipping–some of my items left in the RV after my arrest, including a bitchin green jacket I’d just bought, some CDs, and George Carlin’s brilliant posthumous autobiography, Last Words.

I really feel like the El Monte RV company is trying to subtlety suck me back into the criminal lifestyle, and I don’t appreciate it.  In fact, I’d like to lodge a formal complain against them; what kind of company encourages their customers to perform highly illegal and dangerous acts with their products?  Not one I would want to patronize, that’s for sure!!

Now I’ll include their email again, but this time with my comments inserted.

December 9, 2010

[At this point I had been incarcerated for approximately 201 days–their computer system must not be very detailed]

Dear Valued Customer,

[Really?  Oh wait–I made them a shit-ton of money by fucking up and having to pay them $2/mile.  I’m TOTALLY a valued customer!]

It’s been a while since your last rental?    [sic; don’t they have that information on file?  So why the question mark?  Plus, you’re damn right it’s been a while–I’ve been in fucking prison!!]  Are you planning to rent this fall?  [Marijuana is harvested in the fall.  Are they even TRYING to hide their intentions?]  If so, I would enjoy the opportunity to hear from you and discuss your travel needs with you [Yeah, I bet!].

We work very hard to provide our clients with the finest customer service and pricing for their travel needs  [“travel needs” indeed.  Also, when it comes to pricing, I didn’t feel $1800 was a competitive rate for retrieving your vehicle from the impound lot and driving it 900 miles to New Jersey)].  If your budget or travel needs have changed [my travel needs sure have changed, as I’m not a recidivist douche bag–and in terms of budge, I’m broke and in debt beyond human comprehension, thanks for reminding me!], please contact me so I can give you a quote [fuck you] and see if there is anything we can do to provide you with any discounts or specials [you can go fuck yourself–that would be special].

Don’t you love when life is so hysterically absurd and forehead-smacking ridiculous?  At least it keeps things interesting.  Sometimes you just gotta laugh–it feels slightly better than crying.

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7 thoughts on “Someone’s Trying To “Drive” Me Back To Prison!!

  1. Rebecca Stanger

    HAHAHAHAHAHA! One of the funniest things I’ve read in quite a while! I love that they specifically asked if you were planning to rent next Fall–even though Spring and Summer are both great travel times that come BEFORE Fall! Suspicious much?? 😛

    Reply
  2. Adrienne Clegg

    Brilliant~ I myself had a recent email where someone offered me an exorbitant amount of cash (when i was broke and essentially homeless) To do a bunch of I.D cards. The first request was posted on Facebook for the world to see. I laughed and thought the Feds must need some bodies in prison.

    Reply

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